*** Please note: not all these jokes are suitable for children's parties! ***

If you find typographical or grammatical errors on this page,
they're here for a purpose. Some people actually enjoy looking
for them and we strive to please as many people as possible!

I'm not tall - just longed boned! (Only use this if you are tall!)

If it wasn't for bad luck I wouldn't have any luck at all!

He was so unlucky at the race track the bookie gave him his ticket already ripped up!

My wife is only ugly compared to other women!

My wife has a terrific body - unfortunately it's buried under 18 stone of wobbling fat!

I don't mind the size of a woman - as long as you don't have to remove a wall to get her into the house!

Although the Earth is larger, the moon is further away!

I’m so poor I can’t afford to pay attention!

“How old are you?"
"Five."
"Do you know what happens when you turn 6? You grown an extra finger!"

Man asks for a packet of helicopter flavour crisps. Shop assistant says there is no such flavour. Man says: I’ll have plane instead!

Suburbs are where they chop the trees down and name roads after them!

Why do women like intelligent men? Because opposites attract!

I've been a chicken farmer all my life and all I've got to show for it is the poultry farm!

You've finally reached the top of the ladder only to find it's leaning up against the wrong wall!

Does the Wasps Rugby team have a "B" team?!

Q. What must you know to be an auctioneer?
A. Lots!

{After showing an egg whilst doing an egg bag routine] That may not look much to you - but that's a day's work for a chicken!

Some one once said... well, he may have said it twice... I wasn't there you see...!

Did you know 1 in 5 people are Chinese? Now there are five people in my family so one of them has to be Chinese. There's me, my mum and my dad. There's my older brother, Colin, and my younger brother Wing Chu Lee. I think it's Colin!

When doing a card trick, for example, and you are dealing card. "Tell me when to stop... don't say five minutes ago!"

For her birthday, my wife told me she wanted something with diamonds in it... So I bought her a pack of playing cards!

[Talking about a remote place] It's so remote, the nearest Starbucks was half a mile away!

What was Captain Hook called before a crocodile ate his hand?
Captain???

During a knife routine: I will swap this one for a night wife... I mean a white knife! (not that funny - but it tickles me!)

I met my lawyer in the street the other day. The next day I got a bill for a $150!

Why are pirates could pirates? Because they arrrrre! (The "they arrrrre" bit is done in your best pirate accent!)

People used to compare me with David Copperfield - they used to say, "Compared to David Copperfield, you're crap!"

[Talking about eggs, perhaps in your egg bag routine]
You: This is an hegg. I have to say hegg, because I can't say egg
Children: You just said it!
You: Oh did I? Mrs Magician will be pleased...
etc. etc.

This is sometimes what I say when I approach a table doing close-up magic. It's not much, but it beats "Let me show you a trick...": "Hi, I've got some good tricks and some rubbish tricks - which would you like to see first?" Usually they'll say the good ones. "Ok, let me re-phrase that, I've got one good trick and some rubbish tricks. What one do you want me to first?" If they say the good trick, I'll then say "Oh, I can't do that I'll climax to early... I'll tell you what I'll do, I'll show you some tricks and then you can tell me what the good one was..." Hopefully afterwards they'll tell you ALL the tricks were great!

Talking to a child at a birthday party:
"How are you?"
"Fine." (They won't usually ask how you are!)
"I'm fine too, if you're interested!"
This doesn't sound much but it usually gets a laugh!

Child: "Are you a magician?"
Magician: "No."
Child: "Yes you are!"
Magician: "I'll prove it to you, you show me a trick."
Child: "No, you show me one!"
Magician: "But if I show you a trick that would make me a magician..."
This can go on as long as necessary. Again, it doesn't read like much but it can cause a few giggles. And it does beat "Yes, I'm a magician, look how clever I am..." Yawn...

My mum always told me to put on a clean pair of socks everyday. By Thursday I couldn't get my shoes on!

Quite often when I ask a child how old they are, they hesitate a little. Here comes my quick-witted reply: "You hesitated a little bit there. You do that when your 80 not 8!"

Sometimes in my shows I hand out a $1,000,000 novelty note. I say to the birthday child, "Unfortunately you can't spend it anywhere - but it will impress your girlfriend/boyfriend. Take it from me, I've been very successful with women; I've been married three times!

During a trick in which I take off my wedding ring, I will say to someone, "Would you like to keep this - it comes complete with my wife!"

I went to my bank the other day and asked the cashier to check my balance. So she got up and pushed me over!

I went to [insert name of a dodgy town near you!] and they had a guess the baby competition. You had to guess who the dad was!

On wrinkles:
"My wrinkles are laughter lines."
"Nothing can be that funny!"

On picking a card:
"I knew you were going to pick that one... but I forgot to write the prediction."

I'm going to show you 10 card tricks! Each one is slightly different. That is each time the spectator chooses a different card!

On compliments:
"You are really good!"
"Thanks! Can I put your comments on my website? It's love-machine.com!"

On hecklers:
I'm not sure that I'd actually use this, but here goes anyway!
"This is just suppose to be a little light entertainment. It's not intended to make some profound impact on your life. If that's what you're after that's something you would have to address yourself..."

I never understood why Bill is short for William. If anything it should be short for Billiam!

I never understood why Bob is short for Robert. If anything it should be short for Bobert!

If someone writes something down:
"Hey, may I take that. I may need something to wipe my ass!"

During some games you get the children jumping:
"You're a great jumper! With practice you could be a great cardigan/pullover as well!"

During your egg bag routine:
"Here we have a hegg! I can't say egg so I have to say hegg!"
Children: "You just said it!" And so it goes on...!

How to know you're growing older:

• Everything hurts and what doesn't hurt doesn't work.
• The gleam in your eyes is from the sun hitting your bifocals.
• You feel like the night before and you haven't been anywhere.
• You get winded playing chess.
• Your children begin to look middle aged.
• You join a Health Club and don't go.
• You know all the answers but nobody asks you the questions.
• You look forward to a dull evening.
• You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going.
• You knees buckle but your belt won't.
• You're 17 around the neck, 44 around the waist and 105 around the golf course.
• You just can't stand people who are intolerant.
• You back goes out more often than you do.
• You stop looking forward to your next birthday.
• You burn the midnight oil after 9.00pm
• You sink your teeth into a steak and they stay there.
• You regret all those temptations your resisted.
• The little old grey haired lady you help across the street is your wife.
• You get all your exercise from being pallbearer for your friends who exercised.
• You remember today that yesterday was your wedding anniversary.
• You finally reached the top of the ladder and find it's leaning against the wrong wall.
• You start a sentence but you forget what you...

A child joins you on stage and she is dressed head to foot in pink. You say, "Did you know I can read minds? No? I want you to concentrate on your favourite colour..." Feign concentration, then say, "Is it pink?!" Hopefully she'll say yes, and even if she doesn't it's still funny!

During your show you ask someone his name. Let's say it's Peter. There is another Peter there whom you have already asked his name. You say, "I think we already have a Peter, you may have to go home!" If they look the sensitive type, you could say, "I think we already have a Peter, can I call you George instead?!"

 A child joins you on stage:
Magician: "How old are you?"
Child: "Six."
Magician: "Six! Wow! Have you ever been five before? You have! What about seven? Have you ever been seven before? No... Oh well, you have have to wait 12 years before you get to seven!"

Two children join you on stage. You ask them how old they are. One says five and the other says six, to which you reply, "So together you make fifty-six?!"

During my sponge ball routine I make out that the children are dusty (thanks Mark Leveridge!). Sometimes I approach an adult and pretend to take some dust of him, but instead say, "You're not dusty, your rusty!"

Silly patter:
"Have you ever been to zoo before? Do you know what my favourite animals are at the zoo? Ants! They don't lock them in cages you know! They just let them wander around! Hey, you've got some in your hair!

"Where are you from?"
"Essex."
"That's a great place to come from. I wouldn't want to go there, but it's a great place to come from!"

I'm not 40 - I'm 18 with 22 years of experience!

Magician: "What's your name?"
Girl: "Sarah."
Magician: "That's one of my favourite names! I had an uncle named Sarah!"

Take a rubber glove and then blow it up. Pretend to "milk" it as if it were a cow's udder. Pull the udder one! (Harpo Marx)

I'd offer you my seat but I'm sitting here! (Chico Marx)

Spectator: "How did you do that?"
Magician: "You promise you won't tell... [whisper] it's magic!"

When balloon modelling:
I saw a guy rub a balloon on his head and try and make it stick to the wall. He kept on rubbing and rubbing but it wouldn't work. He pulled the balloon away and his head stuck to the wall!

When handing out novelty million dollar notes:
If you can find a place that will take that, my advise is don't hang around for change!

Would you like to hear a true story that I made up!

Heckler stopper: Two weeks ago that guy wasn't even walking upright!

Don't put in any ice in my drink. It takes up too much room!

If you forget child's name:
"We've met before haven't we? I said my name is Mark, and you said your name is..."

I sometimes use an automaton hand to find a chosen card, and after the hand finds the card I say: "You've gotta hand it to him!" or "Give him a hand!"

For Valentines day I bought my wife a new belt and a new bag. The Hoover works much better now!"

I'm in trouble with my wife. I didn't buy her a Valentine's gift. She shouted at me, "You don't even know what flowers I like!"
"Yes I do," I replied. "Self-raising!"

I'm stiff as a bored! (Not bored stiff!)

Thank you for inviting me to your show and reminding me that money isn't everything!

3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the population!

I once sawed my sister in half - now she's my half sister!

Have you ever heard of Harry Potter - we went to different schools together!

I am a weapon of mass attraction!

I saw a man walking down the street.
I said to him, "Are you a pole-vaulter?"
He replied, "No, I'm German, but how did you know my name was Walter?"

He could start a fight in an empty room!

A funny way to end a show:
"The batteries in my mouth have run out!"

Pro-active? Isn't that just a meaningless buzz word that dumb people use to make themselves sound important? (From "The Simpsons")

"I love money. I've asked for money, begged for money and I've even cried form money."
"Have you tried working for it?"
"Nah, that begins with a 'W', I'm working my way through the alphabet!"
(The Two Ronnies)

"My uncle died and left a will."
"Really, how much did he leave?"
"All of it - you have to!"
(The Two Ronnies)

"What's your name?"
"Wesley."
"Wow, that's a cool name! So much cooler that Marko Sparko [insert stage name!] and that's not even my real name!"

Gravity is not just a good idea, it's the law.

"My family is so poor, one year I just got a lump of coal for Christmas."
"That's nothing, my family is so poor that all I got was a piece of paper with 'COAL' written on it!"

I was going to do a tarot card reading, but I had to cancel due to unforeseen circumstances.

Some really bad elephant jokes:
What do you call an elephant that can't do math? Dumbo!
What do you do with a green elephant? Wait until it's ripe!
What is the difference between elephants and fleas? An elephant can have fleas, but a flea can't have elephants!
What's blue and has big ears? An elephant at the North Pole!
What proof is there that elephants are smarter than chickens? Have you ever heard of Kentucky Fried Elephants?

Magician: "How old are you?"
Child: "Six."
Magician: "When I was your age I was only 5. I was a slow developer!"

When praising a young helper: "You were magic-tastic!"

I started off with nothing and I've got most of it left!

"How old are you?"
"Six!"
"When I was you age I was only five! I was a slow developer!"

Find a penny, pick it up and all day you'll have one penny!

I asked a man to check if my indicators were working. He stood at the back of my car and shouted, "Yes, no, yes, no, yes, no..."

Kids grow up so fast these days. My daughter is 10 years older than me!

I come from a rough area. It's so rough that a Lebanese family moved back to Beirut.

I started off with nothing - and I've got most of it left!

I went to the doctor because my elbow hurt. He said, "What are the symptoms?"
I replied, "Well, Homer is kinda fat and Marge has blue hair."

If you got hit on the head with a musical instrument would you get percussion?

I read the dictionary once. The story was rubbish but it did explain every word!